If you’re in that sweet spot of raising children while also navigating how to help your parents as they age, you know that being part of the “Sandwich Generation” is a badge of honor – one that you share with about a quarter of U.S. adults (23%) who have a parent age 65 or older and are either raising at least one child younger than 18 or providing financial support to an adult child.
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Being part of this group is not for the faint of heart, however. There are only so many hours in the day, and no matter how well you manage your jam-packed calendar, it only takes one unexpected health condition for a parent, call from your child’s school, or change in extracurricular schedule to throw everything out of whack.
We caught up with some people who are in the thick of it, or who have recently come out the other side of dual caregiving, to get their tips, strategies and advice for keeping it all together.
Accept That You Can’t Do It All
It’s physically impossible to be in two places at once, or to run on zero sleep for months on end. Yet it sometimes takes sandwich generation caregivers like Shifali Erasmus having to reach a breaking point before they ask for help. “The guilt is real. You want everyone to be OK. You want to show up fully for your parents, your kids, your job. But somewhere in the chaos, you forget to ask yourself, ‘Am I OK?’” she says.
For Erasmus, that pivotal moment came when her dad was in the ICU with acute kidney failure, and her mom was in grueling pain post hip replacement surgery and had a follow-up appointment she couldn’t miss. “I couldn’t be in two places at once. My work laptop was literally strapped to me as I ran from building to building, trying to be present for both of them, while also trying to figure out school pickup for my kids,” she says.
With sweat dripping down her face, she eventually broke down and called one of her mom’s closest friends and just lost it. “I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and drowning in guilt.”
The lesson? Communicate and ask for help. “You cannot pour from an empty cup,” says Erasmus. Rely on your village, even if it’s just for a ride, a meal, or someone to cry to. “We weren’t meant to carry this alone.”
She also stresses that it’s important to give yourself grace. “There will be days when it feels like you’re failing someone. That doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you human.”
“The guilt is real. You want everyone to be OK. You want to show up fully for your parents, your kids, your job. But somewhere in the chaos, you forget to ask yourself, ‘Am I OK?’” — Shifali Erasmus on taking care of her kids and parents
Learn to Manage Your Time Wisely
Brandon Hardiman was running his small business, Yellowhammer Home Buyers, while raising two toddlers and dealing with his father-in-law’s frail health and mobility issues. He says the experience taught him survival skills including how to create systems that cater to his family’s special circumstances.
For example, when he realized that his father-in-law still had the ability to supervise his boys for quiet activities, such as puzzles and educational programs, he was able to be more productive. “This arrangement gave me two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays to handle business calls while keeping everyone safe and engaged. The trick was combining his diminishing capabilities with activities that made our family function,” he says.
Hardiman also started doing things like meal-prepping on weekends to save time during the week. “I began batch cooking on Sundays, making huge quantities of easy, healthy foods that nourished my young children as well as my father-in-law’s nutritional needs,” he says. This eliminated the daily aggravation of figuring out what to feed three generations with varying needs. “One change saved 90 minutes a day and reduced some of the mental stress of constant meal planning during an already overwhelming time.”
Delegate and Make Room for “Me” Time
Lori Barrett’s four children are mostly grown, with her youngest having just graduated high school. But she also recently became a new grandmother and is helping her daughter out with childcare a couple of days per week. On top of that and working full-time as a teacher, Barrett is also realizing that her parents who live nearby are needing her assistance and attention more and more.
“I’m lucky that my dad still drives and can make it to doctor appointments on his own and drive my mom to hers,” says Barrett, but she’s noticing that they can’t do some of the things they used to. “I see that once my mom would make full dinners for us as kids, but now it is reduced to English muffins and cookies,” she says. That realization has prompted her to drop off some meals and check in on her parents more often.
The real challenges come when there are many “must dos” at once, she says. “Graduations, getting everything together for college, doctor appointments, babysitting, and parent-sitting – it’s a lot to manage,” she says. Barrett keeps a calendar on her phone to keep track of where she’s going and when, what is due, who needs what, and any other deadlines that might come up.
She’s also been delegating jobs to her older children who still live at home, and hired a cleaning lady to come twice a month, which has helped take some things off of her plate. “Finding time for myself is not easy, but a bit easier than for someone with young children. I have recently started getting my nails done again. That’s my ‘me time.’”
Find Objective Helpers When You Can’t be There
Helping an aging parent who lives with you or nearby is one thing, but what happens when there is physical distance? That was the case for Katie Pescatello, a nurse practitioner, mother of 12-year-old twins, and a daughter to a father with dementia and a mother with limited mobility who live two hours away.
“I recently felt the pull to be more helpful to my parents as my father’s memory decline sped up; he started having more frequent episodes of disorientation,” says Pescatello, including sometimes not recognizing her mother. Aside from cognitive decline, there’s nothing “medical” going on with her dad, so she didn’t think hiring a visiting nurse was the best choice. But still, she knew that an extra set of hands could help. She ended up employing a “companion,” a non-medical care provider who could make regular visits, take her dad on outings and give him (and her mother) something to look forward to.
“I find it hugely beneficial because it takes some of the stress off of me and it gives me insight,” she says. For instance, the companion is able to report back about issues that her mother may hold back. “I find it extremely helpful for planning and anticipating future needs,” says Pescatello. She notes that if you’re in a similar situation, the key is to find the right kind of help for the unique situation. “I can’t overstate what a relief it is to have found her,” she adds.
Lean on Others in the Same Boat
Another thing that helped Hardiman immensely was connecting with other sandwich generation parents in local support groups and online forums. “Isolation makes everything more difficult, but meeting parents who share similar challenges gives practical solutions and emotional comfort,” he says. One mother shared her idea of ‘responsibility charts’ to assign age-related tasks to her school-age kids to assist with grandparent care, for example. Another family introduced Hardiman to respite care services that he was not familiar with, which offered four hours of professional assistance twice a week.
Above all, he took some important advice to heart: “Abandon perfectionism immediately and focus on developing habits that will stand the test of time,” he says. This includes knowing that your house won’t be perfect, that the kids may have more TV time than usual, and elder care will be different from what you imagined. “The goal is to keep everyone healthy, safe, and together, while maintaining your sanity.”
This Too Shall Pass
You’ve likely been through other difficult life transitions, such as learning to care for a newborn, or perhaps going through family health or other crises. Simultaneously caring for your children and parents is just another fact of life for many families, and you can get through it with support and a positive mindset.
For example, as exhausting as this time of life can be, remind yourself that it is a blessing to still have your parents with you as you reach your middle-age years. Not to mention what a special opportunity it can be for your children to get to spend some extra quality time with their grandparents.
“This ‘sandwich season’ is hard because you care deeply,” reminds Erasmus. “But please don’t forget to offer some of that care and compassion to yourself, too.”
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