What’s a ‘party gap’ and do you have one in your relationship?
Most weekends, my husband and I are either shuttling our kids to a sporting match or social event they’ve been invited to. But on those rare occasions when we have a free weekend, Date Night usually goes something like this:
Me: So…what do you want to do tonight?
Him: How about we go out to dinner?
Me: Great. There’s a new cocktail bar that opened…
Him: Yeah, but on a Saturday night, it’ll probably be packed.
Me: True. Packed and loud.
Him: Want to get Thai food in town?
Me: Sure. Actually, want to order Thai food and eat it in front of the TV?
Him: Even better.
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Clearly, we’re not party animals. And we’re fine with it. The way we see it, we’re too tired (okay, old) to deal with loud bars and crowds and late nights. We’re also grateful to be on the same page when it comes to what constitutes an enjoyable night. At this point, we both feel our age. But we know some couples in a very different boat. And it’s becoming a problem.
When there’s a mental age gap to overcome
Most of our friends who are coupled up are roughly the same age, give or take a few years. We’re not talking about 52-year-olds with 35-year-old spouses. But within some of the couples we know, there’s one person who acts like they’re in their 50s and another who acts like they’re in their 20s — hence the ‘party gap.’ And not surprisingly, it’s those couples that are starting to utter the dreaded D-word in jest a few too many times for comfort. I don’t really think these friends of ours are going to divorce because one likes to go out and party while the other is too tired to think about getting off the couch. But it’s clearly putting a strain on these relationships.
Part of the problem is that no one wants to think about the fact that they’re getting older. So for the party animal in the couple, conceding to a night in or a quiet dinner in town might seem like giving up. And for the person who’s exhausted come Saturday night, agreeing to a wild night out could mean nursing a very unwanted and real hangover the next day (if not alcohol-induced, then exhaustion-induced, which is totally a thing).
A matter of compromise
When you’re at a stage of life where your kids are getting older and you’re starting to think seriously about milestones like retirement, you want to be in a good place relationship-wise. It’s hard enough transitioning into an empty nest without marital conflict. So if there’s a clear mental age gap between you and your partner, it’s important to work out a compromise. Maybe it means going out dancing one weekend if, and only if, the following weekend you spend your Saturday night on the couch watching a romantic comedy while sipping chamomile tea.
Or maybe you don’t go to either extreme. Maybe you find your happy medium together. That could mean agreeing to hit up the loud cocktail bar for one drink as long as there’s the promise of a dinner reservation at a quiet spot in town an hour later. Or, it could mean letting your party animal spouse let loose with their like-minded friends while you spend some quality time with your Kindle.
When one of you is feeling your age and the other isn’t ready to slow down, you have to talk about it. And don’t just talk to each other. If it’s becoming a real issue, that’s what counseling is for. The next decade of life has the potential to be rocky, and you need each other to make it through as unscathed as possible. Don’t let a mental age gap drive a wedge through an otherwise solid relationship.
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