Want to Be a Great Grandparent? Stop Trying to Be the Parent

Many grandparents are deeply involved in their grandchildren’s lives — whether it’s showing up for them during their biggest moments, providing regular childcare, or helping raise them. Unlike parents, grandparents may be a step removed from the daily grind of morning routines, school drop-offs, activities, and discipline.

According to Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine and Fellow of the American Psychological Association, author of THE ART AND SCIENCE OF PARENTING AND GRANDPARENTING: Raising Emotionally Healthy Children in a Challenging World, and a grandparent himself, that distance can actually be an advantage. Grandparents can serve as an encouraging presence, or, as he puts it, an “oasis” for their grandchildren.

Read: Being a grandparent is good for your brain, among other benefits, studies show

Discover: How to be a great long-distance grandparent

But grandparenting doesn’t mean overstepping or taking over parents’ roles in their children’s lives. There are ways grandparents can build strong relationships with their grandchildren while respecting their adult children’s roles as parents.

Remember: You’re the consultant, not the supervisor

Grandparents may notice parenting dynamics they don’t agree with, such as when their adult children are overly critical of their own children. While it may seem natural to step in and try to correct their parenting, Dr. Barish advises against it.

“We should remember that as grandparents, we are not their supervisors; we’re just their consultants,” he says. “We’re called in when we’re needed.”

Instead, the better approach is to share concerns through a problem-solving conversation. You might tell your adult child, “I’ve noticed this seems to be happening. What do you think we could do about it?” The goal is to offer support rather than positioning yourself as the authority.

Be the person your grandchild can talk to

Children need adults in their lives who will listen without immediately dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Rather than saying “You’ll get over it” or “It’s just a phase,” Dr. Barish recommends acknowledging their feelings.

Next, try collaborative problem-solving, which lets you and your grandchild work together to find a solution. Ask what happened, how they’re feeling, and what might help them feel better. This approach can help them feel heard and supported.

“Dismissing their feelings doesn’t help, but we want to help them have something to do with their feelings,” Dr. Barish says.

There’s room to fit these conversations into everyday life. Dr. Barish recommends setting aside about 10 minutes to simply listen to your grandchildren, perhaps at bedtime when the day is winding down.

And if you ask your grandchild about their day and get a one-word answer or hear, “I don’t want to talk about it,” there are other ways to keep the conversation going.

Dr. Barish shares the following tips:

• Share something about your own day.
• Tell a story from your past.
• Take an enthusiastic interest in their interests — even if it means learning about something you might not particularly like.

If all else fails, Dr. Barish asks his grandchildren about something that feels unfair in their lives. “Kids always think that things are not fair, and if we’re able to talk to them about what’s unfair and accept it, they’ll open up.”

“We should remember that as grandparents, we are not their supervisors; we’re just their consultants. We’re called in when we’re needed.”

Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine and Fellow of the American Psychological Association

Don’t underestimate the power of play and having fun

Dr. Barish says one of the biggest lessons his grandchildren have reinforced for him is the importance of just having fun. Play isn’t just entertainment — it can help children develop social skills, stay curious and flexible, and learn how to cope with frustration or disappointment.

“We think of the things we want to do to help our kids succeed, but having fun actually helps kids succeed,” Dr. Barish says. “This brings some of the joy into our relationships with our kids, and then that becomes the foundation for everything else.”

As a grandparent, you can also be well-positioned to play because you aren’t caught up in the same day-to-day responsibilities as parents. It’s a chance to build a deeper connection with your grandchildren without overstepping their parents’ role.

And the play doesn’t need to be elaborate. You can play games, sing, laugh, explore, read, or simply follow your grandchild’s lead.

Be generous with “I’m proud of you” — but look beyond achievements.

There’s a difference between praising a child only for their accomplishments and expressing pride for who they are and the effort they put in every day.

Instead of just telling them “I’m proud of you for scoring that goal,” grandparents can recognize the child’s:

• Kindness
• Effort
• Teamwork
• Persistence
• Sportsmanship
• Being a good friend

Children shouldn’t feel that they need to achieve or win to be worthy of encouragement from their family. Letting them know you’re proud of them and the effort they put in can provide another source of emotional support.

Enjoy the relationship you get to have

Grandparents shouldn’t be seen as replacements for parents or as the “perfect caregivers.” Their role can be different, and that’s part of what makes it valuable to families.

By listening, showing curiosity, playing, encouraging, and letting our grandchildren know that we’re proud of them, grandparents can create a relationship that children may carry with them for years to come.