Coping with Holiday Grief: Expert Insights

When someone we love is missing, the holidays can feel different — heavier, quieter, and filled with reminders of what used to be. Whether you’ve recently lost a spouse, a parent, a sibling, or a dear friend, grief has a way of amplifying itself during the moments that used to feel warm and familiar. Two experts, Dr. Lynn Banis, a grief coach who lost her mother, brother, and husband within a few years, and Dr. Sherry Walling, a clinical psychologist who lost her father and brother within six months, offered powerful, practical insight into how to navigate grief during the holiday season.

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The First Year Is Hard… but the Second Year Can Be Even Harder

One of the most surprising insights came from Banis, who explained that grief rarely follows a predictable timeline. While the first holiday season can feel overwhelmingly painful, full of “firsts” without your loved one, the second year often brings a deeper realization that this is life now. Giving yourself permission to feel this, without judgment, is one of the most compassionate things you can do. Both Banis and Walling emphasized something we often try to resist: you must allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Banis described grief as so intense it becomes physical — the kind of emotional pain that “hurts your bones.” The more we push it away, the deeper it roots itself.

Walling explained that grief lands differently depending on whether the loss was sudden or expected, but the process still requires space, time, and gentleness. If this is your first holiday season without someone you loved deeply, it is okay if you don’t want to host, don’t want to cook the traditional meal, don’t want to decorate, or feel you just want to be sad even when others are celebrating. This isn’t a failure; it is grief doing what grief does.

Grief is the price of love, and the holidays have a way of making that love feel both beautiful and unbearable.

Create New Traditions (When You’re Ready)

Many people feel pressure to recreate the holiday as it always was. But Banis shared that after her husband died, she simply couldn’t face the table with an empty chair, so she and her daughters created a new tradition together, one that felt emotionally manageable. New traditions aren’t about replacing the old. They’re about honoring where you are now. Even tiny changes, like moving dinner to someone else’s home, taking a walk instead of opening gifts, or lighting a candle in remembrance, can make the day feel gentler. One of the most powerful pieces of advice from both interviews is this: grief is not meant to be carried alone. Banis talked about the healing power of simply having someone sit with you, even in silence. Presence matters more than perfect words. Walling emphasized that showing up — bringing food, offering to take a walk together, or helping with small tasks — provides stability during a time that feels disorienting. If you’re grieving this holiday season, let people help in small ways. If you love someone who is grieving, don’t avoid them because you don’t know what to say. Show up consistently. Offer practical support. Keep calling.

We heal best when connected to others.

Say the Lost Loved One’s Name

Walling shared that one of the deepest pains of grief is feeling like you have fewer chances to say your loved one’s name. Speaking their name and sharing stories helps keep their presence alive. Remembrance is healing. Silence is what hurts. If you’re grieving this holiday season, know this: You’re not doing it wrong. You’re not behind. You’re not supposed to be over it.

Grief is the price of love, and the holidays have a way of making that love feel both beautiful and unbearable. What you can do is take small steps: feel what you feel, lean on others, create space for your memories, and let yourself be alive in the ways that feel possible. You don’t have to move on. But you can move forward, one gentle step at a time.