Learning to love the word “husband” at 51
Even around Valentine’s Day, romantic relationships and even marriage later in life come with challenges quite different from what most people experienced in their 20s and 30s. With age comes confidence and wisdom but also packed schedules and steadfast daily routines. Finding time to connect with someone new on a deeper level requires careful planning, commitment and a willingness to adapt.
Following her divorce, Christine Naccarato-Haynes focused on raising her boys, serving her Long Island community, and running a local “Buy Nothing” group on Facebook. Romance, she said, was not on her mind at all. “I wanted to raise my kids and not worry about dating,” she said.
But her penchant for volunteering led to her organizing and attending a 30th high school reunion that wasn’t even for her class. “My best friend wanted a reunion, and I was asked to co-run it because I’d organized events in the past,” she said.
She ended up seated at a table with James Haynes, the man who would become her husband in 2021 at the age of 51. “Casually, all our friends moved away from the table and we sat and chatted. I loved that he was genuine and had zero interest in playing games,” Naccarato-Haynes said. “I was drawn to his wit and his ability to hold my interest in a conversation.”
It happened on the porch
After leaving a bad marriage a few years prior, Naccarato-Haynes healed emotionally by focusing on giving back. She launched a buy nothing group (Hand Me Overs – FREE CYCLE) and members often dropped off items on her front porch for other members to pick up. Over the year, the porch had become a hub of suburban life and a gathering spot for Long Island moms.
Had it not been for a “porch pick-up” the afternoon of the reunion, Naccarato-Haynes recalled, she may not have attended the reunion.
“I didn’t have someone to watch my younger son,” she shared. “A teacher-friend was picking up clothes from my porch to help a student. She took my son home to play with her son, who was his bestie. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have gone.”
After the couple’s first date – lunch in a walkable nearby village — their first kiss also happened on Naccarato-Haynes’ porch.
“We strolled around trying to decide where to eat lunch, settling on a forgettable place where I ordered some egg and chorizo meal. She ordered the same thing. Then we walked around, getting to know each other. We drove home continuing the conversation and as I walked her to the door, I think we both knew we would see each other again,” James Haynes recalled.
At the end of the date, he walked her to the door. “I didn’t want to push things, so I leaned in for a friendly peck on the cheek.”
Naccarato-Haynes, though, made her move, turned her head, and went in for a full-blown kiss.
“I was very pleasantly surprised,” Haynes said, laughing.
This was in 2017. Three years later, just prior to the pandemic, Haynes proposed on that same porch.
The wedding
The wedding wasn’t what Naccarato-Haynes had envisioned or what Haynes had hoped to give her. Having missed out on the traditional wedding the first time around, she wanted a big celebration. “But time and life happened,” she said. “For the two COVID years, my family core stuck together. In the end, a few people became more important than anything else.”
The couple married in July 2021, in an intimate ceremony with 12 close family members and friends at her brother’s house. A dinner celebration followed in the wine cellar of a local Italian restaurant. “The big barbecue that was [supposed] to happen a month later never did, but a Poconos honeymoon did. It definitely was a few days to remember,” she said.
Haynes added, “It wasn’t the big wedding with all the extras Christine had fantasized about while growing up. But it included the people who mattered the most in our life.”
Naccarato-Haynes revealed that she was surprised how willingly she embraced the idea of having a husband again. “I wasn’t the one that pushed for marriage. I was surprised that I absolutely love the word ‘husband’ now,” she said.
Carving out time
Prior to meeting Haynes, Naccarato-Haynes had a full life raising teenage boys. Her schedule was packed with volunteering, school events, sports, and, of course, running her Buy Nothing group.
“Finding a balance and pockets of time just for us was hard in the beginning,” she said. “I recall one Valentine’s Day, the kids’ schedules were so full and he was working late. I had a heart-shaped pizza delivered and we had 14 minutes before I had to pick my son up from [sports] practice.”
At that point, Naccarato-Haynes had every other weekend child-free, however, leaving the couple time to explore, albeit on a fixed schedule.
“It was easy to get away for a long day exploring sights like the Bronx Zoo, botanical gardens, or even Mystic Seaport in Connecticut. As the kids got older, it was definitely an adjustment,” Haynes said.
The secret to relationship success after 50
Making time for each other is just one key to a happy marriage. Many Gen X couples find themselves caring for aging parents while raising teens or adapting to life with adult children still living at home, and the Haynes’ are no exception to this. “We still try to steal some alone time, even if ‘date day’ ends up being grocery shopping or running errands,” Haynes said.
At the heart of their healthy relationship, Naccarato-Haynes said, is the couple’s friendship above all else. “We genuinely like each other,” she said.
Of course, every relationship has arguments or rocky times. Naccarato-Haynes’ prior marriage showed her what not to do when things get rough. Now, she said, “I always fight fairly. Ask for a pause if you have nothing nice to say. And ask for a do-over if you realize the conversation has gone sideways.”
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