Caring-for-an-elderly-parent-photo-by-Hananeko-Studio

Forget GenX or Millenials, are you in the Sandwich Generation?

ByJodi Ireland

If you’re part of the “sandwich generation,” you’re caring for an elderly parent or two, while balancing your children’s needs and, oh yeah, your job. If you’re like many 50-year-olds, you’re in the prime of your career, perhaps working in management and holding more responsibility than ever. And if you’re nearing retirement in that leadership role—and helping your mom or dad while trying to balance everything else—you’re probably exhausted.

You’re also not alone.

An increase in family caregiving

According to a recent study conducted by the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, between 2011 and 2022, family members caring for an elderly parent grew from 18 million to 24 million people—a 32% increase. And this is only going to grow as Boomers get older.

Not surprisingly, women still provide the majority of care (40%), whether they’re helping their parents with self-care and mobility, household chores, or transportation. Part of this increase in family caregiving is attributed to the growing number of older adults managing multiple chronic conditions like cancer, heart disease, hypertension, or stroke. Interestingly, the report found that while fewer older people have dementia, unpaid caregivers (like family members) are spending more time (about 31 hours weekly) caring for those with dementia, double the typical 14 hours spent caring for elderly people without it.

Rewarding but stressful

Many of us find joy and fulfillment in caring for our loved ones. This caregiving can strengthen relationships and bring a deep sense of purpose. But it doesn’t discount how exhausting it can feel, nor how much physical and emotional stress we may experience. If you feel angry, frustrated, totally worn out, or isolated, that’s normal. And it’s okay. Again, you’re not alone.

Linda H.. cared for her elderly mother after moving to Georgia. The stress of moving her family, including a middle and high schooler, adjusting to a new home, neighborhood, jobs, doctors, and everything else, overwhelmed them all. “My mother was in the early stages of dementia, suffered from depression and had wild mood swings. Four months after the move, she fell and broke her hip. My children were each having social difficulties in their new junior and high schools. It was awful,” she said.

“I felt like I was trapped in the middle of two oppressive forces, but luckily, my husband was a rock and supported me in any way he could. I could stay home and take care of my mother and children, as he earned enough to support us all. My days involved an endless round of doctors’ appointments, adult daycare and other activities to help my mother get out and stay as active as she liked.”

The toll on caregivers

With caregiving, what starts as offering a little help here and there—mowing the lawn, doing a grocery run, helping with banking, taking your parent to the doctor—can escalate. Suddenly, you’ve assumed full responsibility for around-the-clock care management.  Your kid needs help studying for an AP chemistry test, and their college admissions essay needs review. You’ve got a big presentation at work next week. Your partner is traveling for their job. Your parent has a long-awaited appointment with a specialist. Something’s gotta give, right? And it’s usually your own self-care.

We’ve heard the expression to “put on your oxygen mask” first, but as Dr. Kelly Donahue said, “I get the importance of this if your plane is in free-fall, but it is not a good metaphor for self-care in everyday life. Why? Because that example is an extreme emergency. If we waited for extreme emergencies to start implementing self-care, we’d be burnt out, have autoimmune issues, develop cancer, be overweight, be depressed, be anxious, and in pain, etc. Oh wait, THAT is actually happening!!”

What can you do?

You can’t pour from an empty cup. You can give yourself the grace to feel what you feel, guilt-free. Acknowledge that you’re tired, overwhelmed or feeling pulled in too many directions.

Taking care of an elderly parent, whether you’re managing things from afar or hands-on each day, is incredibly challenging. But it’s critical that you recognize its effects (and potential risks) on your own physical and mental health.

Create a plan for taking the best possible care of yourself. Prioritize getting support and carving out time for self-care (reading a book for half an hour, taking a longer shower, splurging on Starbucks, scheduling a massage, or doing whatever brings you a little peace and joy).

Explore some of these options:

  • Ask for—and accept—help from other family members or your community.
  • Focus on what you can, not what you can’t do in the moment. Can you clear the sink or organize pills for the week? Great. Can’t handle being on hold for an hour to talk to the insurance company? Delegate or do it tomorrow.
  • Connect with resources in your area, whether it’s meal delivery, transportation, laundry services, or house cleaning.
  • Find a support group that meets in person or online. Facebook has some wonderful groups, including “Caregivers of Elderly Parents” and “Sandwich Generation: Support for Caregivers of Elderly Parents.” Or try the Caregiver Action Network, The Option Group, or your state’s department of aging.
  • Look into respite care, which might include in-home respite, adult care centers and programs where your parent can go for the day, or short-term nursing homes.

And when all else fails, screaming into a pillow can work wonders for letting off steam, too.

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Jodi launched her freelance writing career over 25 years ago, and her hodgepodge knowledge of technology, small businesses, real estate, health and wellness, sports, and a zillion other topics makes her not just a content powerhouse but a solid trivia team member. In addition to working part-time as TeenLife's fractional content director/managing editor, she also writes for Yahoo Local and CREA United (and pinch hits press releases for the American Association for Thoracic Surgery). Her content has appeared in U.S. News & World Report, The New York Times, and TechCrunch+, and she's also partnered with Citation Labs, &Marketing, 9Sail, EPAM, and Hero Digital.

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