Why the death of a beloved pet hits hard for older adults

As we age, so do our pets. While you can lose a pet at any stage of life, the loss seems to cut deeper as we get older.

One study of women between the ages of 60 and 70 revealed that the loss of a companion pet led to a decrease in physical activity (38.1%) and a decline in emotional health (47%). Even more concerning, 33% said they felt they needed to be careful about sharing their grief, since they weren’t certain they’d be supported.

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“Pet loss is a disenfranchised grief, even more misunderstood than human grief, partly because there are no social norms or traditions around it,” said Kate LaSala, a companion animal end-of-life doula and owner of Rescued By Training.

Pets remain constant as our lifestyle changes

Pets are often part of a family through marriages, major moves, and raising children. They learn to tolerate curious touches from toddlers, cuddle in bed for nap time with kids, and adapt as a family evolves.  For older adults, a pet can play an important role in a “second act,” which may also involve retirement and moves.

When my cat Ghost passed away naturally at age 22, I felt a grief I would have never imagined but, in retrospect, seems totally understandable. She’d been with me for my entire adult life to that point, through two apartments, a marriage, a house, and two kids.  My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I adopted Ghost as a kitten from a pet store for a small re-homing fee of $20 plus the cost of an extra litter box, food dish and some toys. Ghost joined Xena, the Calico Warrior kitten, who was our first pet together. Xena passed at 14, a long life for a house cat. Amidst raising two human children under five and running a full-time writing business, I barely had time to breathe much less spend too much time grieving.

I focused on navigating my daughter’s feelings around the death of our beloved family pet, teaching the concept of the Rainbow Bridge and making memories of Xena part of normal conversation. Ghost lived on to become the matriarch of our multi-cat household, my constant companion and the self-appointed “house spokes-cat.” She meowed more than her adopted fur-siblings, never hesitating to speak up when something didn’t meet her expectations. She helped us welcome a new batch of rescued kittens, teaching them her gregarious ways.

Losing a pet in mid-life (or older)

I’ve never had a cat with the personality and intelligence of Ghost. Maybe that’s why her death cut so deep. Or it could be the season of life I was in. Officially in mid-life, myself, raising teenagers who needed less immediate attention, I came to appreciate moments with Ghost even more. It felt like she would just always be part of my life.

Even writing this, tears flow as I wish for just one more minute of Ghost jumping on my keyboard or bringing me a toy mouse to throw for her to fetch. I know everyone believes their pet is special in some way, and certainly, they are. Nearly every pet brings love and acceptance it’s difficult to find in human relationships.

“Pets give us unconditional love,” said Marianne Matzo, PhD, APRN-CNP, AOCNP-Emeritus, FPCN, FAAN, host of the Everyone Dies podcast. “The death of a pet can hurt as much (or more) than the death of a family member. Some people may feel surprised and even shame that they’re grieving more for their pet than for a sibling or parent. But … the pet gave them constant companionship, and there was total dependency…. That’s why they’re grieving so intensely.”

If you’ve lost a pet in mid-life or older, you might understand the intense feeling of loss. But not everyone has raised pets or experienced the same deep bonds.

“Some people have never experienced a deep connection with animal companions, making it hard for them to empathize with those who deeply grieve the loss of a pet,” Matzo said.

How can you heal from the loss of a pet when society seems to minimize the loss?

Expert tips to cope with pet loss

LaSala pointed out that the pain of a pet’s death isn’t necessarily acknowledged or recognized by workplaces or even family or friends, leaving pet owners without space to properly heal.

“We don’t have the same memorialization or grieving rituals as we do with humans, so there’s no societal recognition about our loss,” LaSala said. “Many companies don’t offer bereavement time.”

Matza agreed. “As a society we don’t like to talk about death, so the death of a pet can be even more minimized. But we must grieve that loss.”

Everyone grieves differently, so it’s important to find what works for you.

Take the time you need

Matzo urged pet owners who’ve lost beloved companions to give themselves time and understanding. “Think of your loss the same way you would any other significant loss. Pay attention to how you are feeling and validate for yourself that you are experiencing an incredible loss,” she said.

This can mean taking time off work, allowing yourself to cry, and sharing stories about your pet. One thing to avoid? Forgetting or neglecting self-care, including exercise, a healthy diet, and whatever daily habits bring you joy.

“Keep up with healthy daily routines and be gentle with yourself when things are difficult,” Matzo said.

Don’t be afraid to mourn publicly

Matzo and LaSala agreed that mourning is important for healing and to show people the depth of your loss.

“Have a memorial service or funeral for them,” Matzo said. “Let people see your grief so they can be supportive of you.”

Keep your pet close with memorials

We don’t think twice about displaying photos or urns with ashes for human loved ones who have passed. You can find similar ways to commemorate beloved pets. LaSala wrote about the loss of her dogs BooBoo and Barbo, documenting her grief journey on the RescuedByTraining blog. She shared several memorialization ideas, including a Felted Heart made with BooBoo’s fur and a custom ring with the ashes of BooBoo and Barbo inside the gemstones.

“I wear it everyday, and often find myself touching it for comfort or when I think about them,” LaSala wrote.

Other ideas include:

• An hourglass cremation urn
• Memorial suncatcher, for pets who loved to look out the window
• Personalized windchimes

If you think of it in advance, you can also create memorials with your pet’s pawprints or fur, like this paw print picture frame with a do-it-yourself stamp kit.  While researching this article, I purchased a picture frame that holds a collar, the perfect keepsake to place on my desk or hang on the wall. It’s been four years since Ghost passed and, as I wrote this article and spoke with experts, I realized I never took the time to address that loss. Writing or journaling, even if you’re the only one who reads it, is another way to process your feelings and begin to heal.

Talk about the loss

Not all healing has to involve purchases, especially if you’re in a stage of life where you’re trying to clear clutter. You can create a memorial video of photos and video clips, which is something I did when our 14-year-old cat Panzer passed away a few months before Ghost. The important thing is to honor your pet, and your grief, by acknowledging it.

“Nothing will be gained by pressuring yourself to ‘just get over it.’ The healing process takes time,” Matzo said. “Find someone who understands your experience and talk to them.”

If you feel you need professional help to cope with your loss, don’t hesitate. You might find non-medical support from a death doula like LaSala, or you may speak to a certified therapist to help you sort through your feelings.

Is it time to adopt again?

Adopting or rescuing a new dog or cat might be the solution for some people — but the timing has to be right.

“Even well-meaning friends or family might insensitively suggest to ‘just get another one’ as a way to cope with the loss,” LaSala acknowledged.

Ten months after saying goodbye to BooBoo, who LaSala called her “heart and soul dog,” she and her husband decided to adopt another dog.

“There is no timeline on grief or if or when someone is ready,” LaSala wrote on her blog. “The risk of when, or if, to open your heart to love again is a decision that nobody else can make for you.”

With a steady stream of cats in our household, my family never had to make this decision. Ghost mentored the kittens we adopted in 2020 and 2021; I often see a little bit of her in our sassy calico Bubbles, even though they look nothing alike. It’s hard not to compare pets, which is something LaSala warned about on her blog. “I’d be careful about getting a new animal that looks exactly like your previous one,” she wrote.

This can minimize the temptation to compare and allow you and your family to love and accept the new pet for their own personality and traits.

As far as knowing when it’s the right time to adopt?

“Listen to your heart,” LaSala said. “Only you know what’s best for you.”

Adopting a pet later in life

As we get older, we may worry about the decision to adopt another pet. Who will care for the pet if it outlives us? Will a new pet interfere with retirement plans to travel or even lifestyle changes such as downsizing a home or moving into senior living?

Consider adopting an older animal who may be in need of a forever home. “Many shelters have a ‘senior for seniors’ program,” LaSala suggested.

Another alternative is fostering, which you can do on your own time frame and pause as needed, or even volunteering at a local shelter to fill your need for animal companionship without a long-term commitment. No doubt, your beloved pet will be watching with approval from over the Rainbow Bridge as you carry on a legacy of love.